Between Structure and Surrender: Living in the In-Between

This is Part 3 of my Road to Reinvention series ...

When I began this Road to Reinvention blog series, I thought I’d be writing mostly about my RV renovation, the road ahead, and the adventure of building a next chapter that feels more like my own life. But a few days after publishing the first post, something else came through. It didn’t come from my content plan or a carefully mapped-out posting strategy. It came in that in-between space between sleep and waking, when thoughts are less filtered and deeper truth emerges.
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What showed up had little to do with RV projects and a lot to do with becoming. With age. With creativity. With the realization that I am still learning, still growing, and still being called into something new.

At first, part of me thought, Wait. That’s not the next post in the series.

But the more I sat with it, the more I realized it was. Because this journey was never really just about the RV.
The RV may be the visible part. It's the symbol. It's becoming the setting and the vehicle, in every sense of the word. But the journey is much deeper.

The journey is about what happens when the life you’ve been living no longer feels quite right. When the structures that once held you begin to feel too small. When, after years of doing what needed to be done and what was expected of you no longer seems to fit. And when you begin to ask what it would look like to follow what feels deeply aligned instead.

That’s the real road I’m on. And if I’m honest, it is not unfolding in a neat, linear way.

In one part of my life, I’m trying to be focused, strategic, and disciplined. I’m working on creating and launching something meaningful. The project requires that I think about timing, structure, messaging, and execution.

In another part of my life, I find myself longing for something much less controlled. I want to wander. I want to explore. I want to go with the flow. I want to follow my intuition. I want to notice what shows up. I want to be fully present in each moment. I want to trust the next right step, even if I can’t yet see the whole map.

And then there is the caregiving part of my life. My dad is settled in assisted living and surrounded with wonderful support. My day to day involvement has decreased significantly.  But ... and that is a big but, seems to be fueled with some old stories around roles and responsibility and infused with some guilt I haven't quite fully sorted out. 

Some days, those three ways of being feel beautifully complementary. Other days, they feel completely at odds.

One part of me says, You need more structure.
Another says, You need more space. 
And yet another says, You need to take less responsibility for others and more for yourself and your own life.

One part wants a plan.
Another wants to be quiet long enough to hear what is actually true.

One part wants momentum.
Another wants rest.

And somewhere in the middle of all that, I find myself wondering what this tension is really about.
Is it boredom? Fear of success? Fear of failure? Resistance? Procrastination? Exhaustion? Intuition? Some form of self-protection? Maybe it’s some combination of all of it.

Or is it simply the honest complexity of being human in a season of change?

What I do know is this: reinvention sounds inspiring from the outside, but from the inside it often feels messy, tender, contradictory, unsettled, and unfinished.

There is a part of me that still wants reinvention to behave itself. To show up on time. To fit neatly into a plan. To move in a straight line from inspiration to clarity to action. But that has not been my experience.

My experience has been more like this ...

A desire begins to stir. An idea takes shape. Fear comes along for the ride. I work through the fear. Inspiration takes over. Real life shows up . Today it was a 3:27am call that my dad is being taken to the hospital. Last week it was two missed renewal notices I never got, one for my drivers license and the other for my car registration, and the realization that both had expired while I've been out of state caregiving for my dad. And I was still driving!

Responsibilities remain even as I dream of hitting the road and making my dream life my real life.  My energy rises and falls. I do my best around self-care. And somewhere in the middle of it all, something unexpected arrives that alters my course and leads me to a place I didn't see coming.

Perhaps before I do anything, I need to embrace something more foundational:
I am still becoming.
I am in the messy middle.
I don't have all the answers.
Life will continue to do what life does no matter what I choose next. 

Maybe that is what all of this is really about. Maybe it's not about getting the RV ready to hit the road. or supporting dad through another hospital admission, or a lost piece of mail. or writing a blog series. or hosting another event, or working with another coaching client. .

Maybe it's about learning how to live between structure and surrender. 

Perhaps it's about learning:

• How to create enough structure to support me without suffocating me.
• How to make plans without being attached to them.
• How to leave room for what wants to emerge.
• How to move forward without forcing.
• How to rest without disappearing.
• How to be responsible without being constrained
• How to have impact without burning myself out

That feels like its own kind of practice. My sense is that this is something many women experience in seasons of transition. We are told to be organized, productive, strategic, and responsible. We are also told to trust ourselves, listen inward, and follow what feels aligned.

But nobody really tells us what to do when those things seem to pull in opposite directions.

Nobody tells us how to live when we are no longer willing to abandon ourselves for the sake of obligation, but we also don’t want to drift so freely that nothing solid gets built.

I suspect that is exactly the work.

Not choosing one over the other, but learning the dance between them. Learning when structure is support and when it becomes pressure. Learning when surrender is wisdom and when it becomes avoidance. Learning how to tell the difference. Learning how to stay honest. Learning how to trust ourselves enough to keep listening.

I don’t have a tidy conclusion to this, because I am in the middle of it.

I’m still figuring out what belongs to fear and what belongs to wisdom. I'm still learning what needs more structure and what needs more room to breathe. I'm still deciding what needs accountability and what needs grace. 

But I do know this:

I no longer believe that every detour means I’ve lost the path. Sometimes what looks off-track is actually revealing the deeper track underneath the one I thought I was supposed to follow. Sometimes the “random” thing that shows up is not random at all. Sometimes it is the thread that leads me to the magic. 

I'm learning that reinvention is not about finally becoming disciplined enough to control the journey.
It is more about learning how to stay present enough to fully participate in it.

To notice.
To listen.
To choose.
To trust.
To act.
To pause.
To breathe.
To begin again.

So for now, I’m staying with the question. I’m still dreaming of hitting the road and taking steps to do that by the end of May. At the same time I’m staying with responsibility and heading to the hospital to check in on my dad. And I’m staying open to the possibility that this space between structure and surrender is not a problem to solve, but part of the path itself.

If you’re in a season of transition too ... trying to find your footing between planning and listening, effort and ease, momentum and rest ... maybe you’re not doing it wrong either.

Maybe you’re just on your own messy middle and if you fully embrace it while doing your best to be present in the experience, you will find the insight and inspiration to guide your next steps. 

One thing I know for sure, I am grateful for my coach and accountability partner who help guide me through this process.I'm also grateful for the tools I use to help get me out of my head and into my heart.

I've created the free Heart Reset Toolkit that includes these tools: Heart Breathing. Heart Hugs. Heart Talks. I used all three of them this morning sorting through what's happening with my dad (and me). Maybe you'd like to see how they can support you? Click here to download.

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