The R Factor: Exploring the Power of Response

There are moments in history when the world feels like it has tilted off its axis. We are in one of them.

We feel it in our bodies before we can explain it with words. The constant stream of breaking news. The arguments that divide families and communities. The sense that something fundamental—decency, accountability, shared responsibility—has begun to erode.

Lately, I’ve caught myself feeling something I don’t particularly like admitting. I’ve wanted to check out. Not dramatically. Not in a “sell everything and disappear into the woods” kind of way. But quietly. Subtly. A kind of emotional withdrawal. A temptation to look away from the chaos and retreat into my own small world.

I’ve felt the pull to isolate. To stop engaging. To stop caring quite so much. Because caring, right now, can feel exhausting.

It’s hard to watch systems fail people.
It’s hard to watch leaders evade accountability.
It’s hard to watch human beings dismissed, diminished, or devalued.

If I’m honest, there are days when the sheer weight of it all makes me want to shut the door and say, “I’m done with this.” In addition to all that is going on in the world, I've been supporting my dad through some health challenges and through his transition to assisted living. I recently celebrated my 67th birthday. I was touched by the card my dad gave me and the conversation he initiated. "I appreciate all you've done for me over the past year or so, but now it's time for you to start living your own life, whatever that means for you." His words were genuine and sweet and I took them to heart. Yes, indeed, it is my time! He is settled. He is safe. He is surrounded by people who take good care of him. And it's time for me to get on with planning the next phase of my own life. 

I drove away from my visit with dad feeling free. I just finished renovating my RV. I just got word that I received a scholarship to attend an RV training program to help me build confidence and a bit of autonomy for when I hit the road this summer. For the first time in a long time, I felt excited for what's next for just me and not having to spend another brutally hot summer in Florida.

Two days later, while I was at my computer mapping out my trip to RV training school in the spring and then continuing on to New England, I got a call from my dad. Actually three calls. He always forgets something on the first call. And then he calls to be sure I got the other two messages. His messages told me that he needed a ruler to measure his puzzle, an ear syringe (he lost the one that came in the package) so he can prep his ears for wax removal at the audiologist appointment, and a box of Kix cereal because he forgot to put it in his recent grocery order and he didn't want to pay the delivery charge.

In a matter of a minute, I no longer felt free. I felt trapped. And, if I'm honest, a tad bit angry and resentful. How did my life turn into being a delivery service for things that seem so unnecessary to my own life. Use a sheet of paper to measure the puzzle. You don't need a syringe to put Debrox in your ears. And how many other boxes of cereal do you have in the cupboard that are not Kix that will get you through until your next grocery delivery. Or go to the breakfast meal we're paying for!

I took a deep quick coherence breath and could feel myself calming down immediately. The truth is, it has been an honor to support my dad through some huge transitions and difficult decisions over the past year. The other truth is that it has been challenging and I need a break. The old me would have rushed to bring him the ruler, the ear syringe, and the box of Kix. Instead, I called him back when I knew he'd be at dinner and left him a message that I would be there in a couple of days ... and I went back to planning my RV trip.

I did not react on emotion. I allowed the emotion to move through me. I felt them all. And then I responded with intention. I acknowledged that reactions show up in the midst of the emotions. However, if I take an intentional breath while I'm focused on something I'm grateful for, my responses are calmer and much more effective for all involved. 

And that realization brought me back to something important that I have been teaching, in one form or another, for most of my life. A simple equation that I believe is a powerful formula for life: 

E + R = O
Event + Response = Outcome

The events of our lives are not always within our control. In fact, many of them aren’t. We cannot control:

• the political climate
• the economy
• other people’s choices
• global crises
• the systems we inherit

But there is one thing that always remains available to us. Our response.
Not our reaction. Our response.

A reaction is automatic.
A response is intentional.

A reaction is driven by fear, anger, or overwhelm.
A response is chosen with awareness.

And that distinction changes everything.
For decades, I’ve watched this principle play out in real life.

I saw it as a teacher working with teenagers navigating risk and pressure.
I saw it coordinating reproductive health services for young people facing life-altering decisions.
I saw it in conversations with parents trying to understand their children.
I see it now in families caring for aging parents and dealing with complex healthcare systems.
I see it in women navigating major life transitions including divorce, career change, health challenges, and retirement.

In every one of those situations, the event matters, but it is the response that determines what happens next.

Two families can face the same diagnosis.
Two teenagers can face the same pressure from peers.
Two adults can face the same career ending or life transition.

The event may be the same.
But the outcome is shaped by the response.

That truth has never felt more important to me than it does right now.
Response matters. The world we are living in is pulling us toward constant reaction based on pent up emotion. Outrage. Blame. Fear. Division. These emotional reactions spread quickly and easily. They are contagious.

But reaction rarely creates meaningful change. Response does. Response requires something deeper. 

Pause.
Reflection.
Discernment.
Courage.

Response asks us to step out of the emotional storm long enough to choose who we want to be in the moment we’re facing. That is not always easy, especially right now with 24 hour news cycles, social media, algorithms, and automatic notifications delivered to us in real time.

There are days when I feel frustrated enough with the state of things that the idea of responding thoughtfully feels almost naïve. But I keep coming back to the same realization. If we give up our response, we give up our power.

Not political power.
Not institutional power.
Something far more fundamental.

Human agency. Agency is the ability to decide who we are going to be in the face of what is happening.

That is why I’ve decided to focus on this idea right now.
Not because the world is calm and stable.
But because it isn’t.

We are living through a time when people feel overwhelmed, angry, exhausted, and powerless. And in moments like that, it becomes very easy to believe that the events of the world have total control over our lives.

But they don’t.

The event matters.
Our emotions mater.
But our response matters more because it is our response to the events that create our outcomes. 

This is not about pretending things are fine when they aren’t. It’s not about suppressing anger or frustration. It’s about remembering that those emotions do not have to make our decisions for us.

We still have a choice.
We can respond with curiosity instead of contempt.
We can respond with courage instead of avoidance.
We can respond with compassion instead of indifference.
We can respond with boundaries when necessary.
We can refuse to participate in systems or conversations that diminish our humanity.

Those choices shape our lives. They shape our families. They shape our friendships. They shape our communities. And collectively, they shape the future.

Today I am thinking of this as The Response Revolution. I am choosing to allow my responses (not my reactions) to prevail.

This is not a revolution of protests or politics. It is a revolution of personal agency. A quiet but powerful shift in how we show up in the moments that test us most. Because every day, in ways both large and small, we are being presented with events we did not choose. These events elicit emotions that, if we're not careful, can push us into reactions that are not in our best interest.

We are never completely without a response. When we pause, take a breath, and allow our emotions to move through us, we regain the ability to choose one. And the response we choose determines what happens next.

That idea is simple, but it takes practice. When emotions are strong, it’s easy to slip back into old patterns of reacting instead of responding. Over the years, I’ve found that the more we intentionally pause and reflect on the R in the equation, the easier it becomes to choose responses that create better outcomes.

If the idea of the R Factor resonates with you and you’re curious about exploring it a little further, I created a short 3-Day Reflection Experience built around the formula we’ve been talking about:

E + R = O
Event + Response = Outcome

Over three days, you’ll look at real situations from your own life and experiment with choosing responses that create different outcomes. It’s simple, practical, and a powerful way to begin noticing the role your responses play in shaping your life.

You can download the 3-Day R Factor Experience here and begin whenever you’re ready.

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