The Unintended Detour: A Lesson in Healthy Love

The other day, I had a literal and figurative encounter that jolted me into a powerful revelation about love, boundaries, and self-respect. Love is not all we need.

As I was driving along a familiar road, a large truck came around a corner, moved into my lane and forced me to pull into the shoulder to avoid a collision. It happened at a slow speed, in slow motion and the experience had a sort of ethereal quality to it. I saw the face of the driver. It was someone I met years ago. Someone whom I still love deeply. Someone who crosses my path consistently. Someone with whom I had once thought I would build a life with.

I pulled off the road, closed my eyes, took a deep breath and felt the effects of an adrenalin surge. As I was settling down, he texted me to explain what happened from his perspective. Something about a corner and a hill and losing power in the truck ... but I was much more immersed in the symbolism that was coming forth. It struck me really hard in that moment on the side of the road. The truth is, every time he crosses my path, I am run off the road I'm traveling. Today, his truck literally ran me off my path. The experience somehow felt important. I sat there and let it all integrate.

Our history is filled with love, passion, fun, regret, deep connection, misunderstanding, frustration and missed opportunities. A few weeks ago he showed up in my driveway as I was getting ready for yet another trip to my storage unit. He asked me why I was giving up on my dream. His question jolted me off the path I was on and sent me into some deep and valuable contemplation.

A week later, he asked me to meet him for a conversation. I'm getting ready to leave town for awhile, maybe forever, and he told me he had some things he wanted to say to me before I left. When we met, he expressed regret for how things turned out. He expressed sadness that we didn't do things differently when we had the chance. He told me he missed the good parts of what we once shared. He apologized for his part of what went wrong between us. I mirrored his feelings, expressed some of my own and apologized for my part of it all. We both left feeling with some closure around the way things are, along with some sadness for how things had played out. I have to admit that I found myself feeling that old familiar glimmer of hope that I've felt every time we've reconnected.

But the truck encounter put things into profound perspective. 

The truth is, he has built a life with someone else. Their relationship has been rocky, but he chooses to stay, bound by circumstances and decisions he cannot or chooses not to undo. But he keeps showing up in my life. Each time he shows up, I feel the glimmer. And every time, I am knocked off my path. This time, he literally ran me off the road. And, as I sat on the side of the road, I finally saw the pattern and got the message that has finally set me free of the glimmer.

Love, to be healthy, must be mutual, respectful, and supportive. It must foster honesty, trust, and give each other space to grow. It is not something to be kept hidden. It's something to be embraced, celebrated, honored, cherished. It is a choice.

Here are the core tenets of what healthy love should look like:

Mutual Respect

Healthy love is built on mutual respect. It means recognizing each other's worth, valuing each other's feelings, and honoring each other's paths. It's about understanding that respect is non-negotiable and must be present in every interaction.

Honesty

Honesty is the foundation of trust. It's about being truthful, even when it's difficult. It means having open conversations about feelings, desires, and disappointments. In a healthy relationship, honesty should never be compromised.

Healthy Boundaries

Boundaries are essential for maintaining individuality and respect within a relationship. They help define what is acceptable and what is not, ensuring that both partners feel safe and valued. Boundaries prevent one person from overpowering the other and keep the relationship balanced.

Trust

Trust is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship. It's about knowing that your partner has your best interests at heart and will support you through thick and thin. Trust is earned through consistent actions and genuine care.

Support

A loving relationship should be a source of support and encouragement. It means standing by each other through challenges, celebrating each other's successes, and being a constant source of strength. Support in a relationship fosters growth and resilience.

Space to Grow

Healthy love allows for personal growth. It recognizes that each partner is an individual with their own dreams, goals, and needs. Giving each other space to grow ensures that both partners can thrive both individually and together.

Understanding Love Languages

Showing love in a way that both partners understand and appreciate is crucial. This means recognizing and honoring each other's love languages, whether it's through words of affirmation, acts of service, physical touch, quality time, or gifts.

Reflecting on my experience, I realize that while the love between my old lover and me is real, it lacks the essential components of healthy love. His inability to make a change and my choice to let him in when he shows up has consistently disrupted my path and prevents both of us from truly moving forward.

In love, as in life, it is vital to choose paths that nurture our well-being and growth. Sometimes, this means letting go of friendships and relationships that, despite deep affection, do not support our journey toward a healthy and fulfilling life. The lesson I learned on that roadside is one of self-respect and the importance of healthy love—a love that builds us up rather than breaks us down.

As I continue my journey, I am committed to embracing love that embodies mutual respect, honesty, healthy boundaries, trust, support, growth, and understanding. Only then are we able to expand our capacity for love and experience the kind of love and friendship that aligns with our path, supports our next steps and propels us forward.

All that said, I believe in twin souls, soul mates, soul contracts and past life connections. It's the only thing that makes sense based on some of my own life experiences that cannot be explained any other way, including my relationship with this man.  And so, for each time I've been literally or figuratively run off the road, I am grateful ... for that is where I've learned some of my most profound lessons, my greatest growth occurred and I've learned what's most important in life ... that we can love from a distance and that expanding our understanding of and our capacity for love is what this life is all about.  

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